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Jul. 18th, 2010

 i haven't eaten today, which means i'm hungry.
and i'm hungry because my body has run out of food to make it work. 
and when it runs out of food, it'll turn to something else: all my fat all over my stupid fat body. 

i want the hunger i want the hunger i want the hunger i want the hunger i want the hunger

because being hungry makes caterpillars turn into butterflies

i crave the hunger because i know that it means the fat is leaving my body.
i don't want to eat. i don't want to get rid of the hunger because then i am making my body work harder to get what it wants. and i don't want to do that, i just want to help it. and to help it i have to be hungry. and to be hungry i have to not eat. 

i want the hunger i want the hunger i want the hunger i want the hunger i want the hunger

c'mon stomach, is that all you've got? more please, more because then i know i'm going to be skinnier skinnier skinnier even quicker quicker quicker.

i crave hunger because i know what it means.

Jul. 16th, 2010

 i've been avoiding this place like the plague, because i know it was damaging me. i had exams and i couldn't risk failing them due to this stupid obsession, so i forced myself to eat for a while. gained 10lbs in two weeks. 
trying to get back down now - 7lbs in 10 days, or thereabouts. 

july 13th - 131.6 lbs
july 14th - 128.4 lbs
july 15th - 128.4lbs
july 16th - 129.2 lbs 

...gonna have a couple apples today and stop there. yesterday was a total binge and i can't afford to do that again. 

Jun. 8th, 2010

Dear Dad,
I miss you so much.
There is so much I should have said and didn’t.
I should have rang when you were in hospital and I didn’t because I thought I’d see you when you got out.

I always did that thing where you challenge yourself, and think “How would I react if this happened?” you know. If I got cancer. If I killed myself. If my Dad died suddenly.
And I guess that’s why it’s so weird. I’m always challenging myself like that, always playing those stupid games. It’s hardly real, but it is real and I miss you so much.

Dear Dad,
I miss you so much.
How can someone die
A person
A whole fucking person die
And the whole world keeps on going
I just want to shout and scream and say “Don’t you see?! Don’t you FUCKING see?!” Hundreds of people are dying right this second and you’re worried about fucking exams hair job clothes being thin holidays drinking smoking partying magazines television facebook newspapers shoes tumblr… about these tiny insignificant things… fuck off.
Why can’t everyone just sit still for two seconds and think
Just really think
Is this what you want to look back on
Is this what you want to see when you think about what you’ve achieved
Or do you want to do something that actually means something?

Dear Dad,
I miss you so much.
It hurts.
I don’t know why I didn’t fucking call.
I thought I’d see you when you got out.
And then I couldn’t see you because you were dying and I was scared.
Come back come back come back come back come back

FUCK IT ALL
FUCK IT ALL TO HELL I HATE IT FUCK YOU

The stale taste of recycled air
I’ll think this a thousand times over and it still won’t mean a fucking thing
I’ll still do the shit I do now, and nothing will ever fucking change.

One last breath hangs in the air and quivers
One last breath
And no one even fucking notices

What the fuck is this
What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

Please, no more
Please, NO more
Please, no FUCKING more.

Dear Dad,
I miss you so much.
Let’s just pretend I called you.
Let’s pretend I told you how much I loved you.
Let’s pretend I told you how amazing you were
How selfless
How compassionate
How you only wanted me to be happy.
Let’s just pretend you’re on holiday.
You’re on holiday in South France.
South France where it’s sunny and
You like it.

Dear Dad,
I miss you so much.

Please stop it
Please no more no more
This is horrible
Whoever it is whoever you are
Stop it now

Dear Dad,
I miss you so fucking much.







When are you getting back from South France?
my severely overweight mother's quote of the day:
"you should stop eating so much crap, then you wouldn't have to exercise."

thanks for the advice mum. you're right.
<500 cals a day IS too much. i'll take that into account.

and i'll remind you of the same next time i watch you gorge an entire pizza and two bowls of ice cream in the space of an evening.

fuck you.
and fuck YOU, sunburn. you motherfucker.Collapse )
i made jelly.
jelly jelly jelly.
strawberry jelly.
from sainsbury's
at 9p a pack.

i love jelly
jelly jelly jelly
good for your tummy
good for me
i love jelly


i realise no one would have read that in the tune i sang it to myself. 
total cals consumed: 290 (although b/p'd so more really)
total cals burned (bar those burned naturally): no more than 50

i need to get out and do some more exercise!
total cals consumed: 394.
total cals burned (bar those burned naturally): 0.
awwww shit. no exercise for today.
still not on the scales. 

just watched super skinny me. it's amazing to watch people who fall from the norm to anorexia, and easy to see how it does happen so much. 

awwww crap.
i need to do some work.
 today i was close to weighing myself but resisted. i kind of don't want to for like 4 weeks but i don't know if i'll manage it.
it's 1.30 and my total for the day so far is 144cals, which feels like a lot really, but i don't know why. i think it's because i've eaten it all in pieces, e.g. one piece of crackerbread = 20cals. 

i'm worrying about my exams but not enough to actually revise for them... was talking to my mother about veganism and i quote "yes, some vegans don't even eat fruit and veg because it's a living thing." like, what the hell? i explained that leaves no food. no food at all to eat. and she said she knew a girl who did it, and i was like "then what the hell did she eat?!" and she said "come to think of it... nothing..." i think i might have found the excuse for not eating ;) i'm a non-fruit and veg eating vegan... 

i'm gonna go pee and then tidy my room.
oh the joys of being off school.

so here we are

i get a break off school for four weeks for exams... this is based around the fact most people have about 7-9... i have 4. so basically, a lot of the four weeks is going to be doing nothing. 

i find that every time i say "i WILL drop this weight!" "i WILL be thin, nothing can stop me!" i seem to fail. and i think the reason for this is that you need to enjoy what you do? it's fucking difficult, but genuinely WANTING an apple rather than stuff that's bad for you makes it so so much easier. i find i lose the most weight when i say "i'll try to lose some weight, and if i fail i fail." i feel like i've been at the same weight forever, but i've recently realised that i used to be ecstatic when the scales said 135, then 130, then 125, then 123... but if i saw them now i'd be majorly disappointed. i'm also only weighing myself occasionally, whereas i used to weigh myself every morning without fail. i'm avoiding the scales more so that i can see a real difference when i do step on them. it'll be sweet as if i get back to school in four weeks and i actually am skinnier. totes. 

so there, another boring post about eating and shit...

god it's getting sunny again, which i love. i can't wait to be out in the sun. i especially can't wait to be a) in france with mah lad b) not giving a fuck about exams c) lying in the sun, stoned as hell d) swimming outside e) lying on a beach somewhere doing fuck all

god i need distractions from food and from being bored. 

yah,

 so today i woke up at 127.2
bummer. 
total cals consumed: 600. bummer.
total cals burned (bar those burned naturally): 200. 

i still feel like i've eaten a heck of a lot.


:( i have naturally wide hips, swear to god. same with my ribs. even when you can see all my ribs, i'm still quite barrell-chested really. i'll look like this chick if i lose too much weight:

if i get too thin i'll look like this girl... super wide hips.Collapse )

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